The Meaning of Hopeless Romantic, Explained

If you binge-watch dating showsandconsider rom-com your favorite film genre, you might be a hopeless romantic. Licensed therapist Dana McNeil noted that it might feel like an oxymoron to call yourself hopeless, because you're overly hopeful and positive.

If you binge-watch dating shows and consider rom-com your favorite film genre, you might be a hopeless romantic.

Licensed therapist Dana McNeil noted that it might feel like an oxymoron to call yourself hopeless, because you're overly hopeful and positive.

"A hopeless romantic can often be described as someone who is in love with being in love," said McNeil. "They believe that love conquers all."

However, being a hopeless romantic isn't without its pitfalls. Here, relationship experts share the pros and cons of hopeless romanticism — and a different way of thinking about love that might be even more fulfilling.

Meet the expert

Signs You're a Hopeless Romantic

1. You profess to be an eternal optimist.

Being shamelessly sunny about love is one standout trait of a hopeless romantic. According to McNeil, for a hopeless romantic, nothing is insurmountable as long as there's loyalty, fidelity, and compassion in a relationship.

2. You have strong destiny beliefs.

If you believe in soulmates and think that relationships are either meant to be — aka fated — or not, you likely have strong destiny beliefs. These are linked to being a hopeless romantic, noted Theresa DiDonato.

"People with stronger destiny beliefs may place a heavy weight on the impressions they make during first dates or encounters," explained DiDonato. "They may infer the future potential of the relationship from the first moments of an initial encounter."

People with higher destiny beliefs might be inclined to avoid working through bumps in the road. 

"For a hopeless romantic, a hiccup could be misinterpreted as a sign that a relationship is not meant to be," said DiDonato.

3. You continue to wear rose-colored glasses, even in the face of truly chronic issues.

On the flip side, a hopeless romantic may stay in a dynamic that isn't working. Per Lauren Cook, they hold on to hope that "maybe it will get better." 

Hopeless romantics often disregard signs that a partner may not be sharing their same level of affection, admiration, or commitment to making the relationship work, as McNeil suggested. Cook agreed, noting that hopeless romantics often neglect to see the red flags or even areas their partner has potential for growth.

4. You're too easily willing to let hurtful words or actions go, and you've silenced your truth.

According to McNeil, hopeless romantics might also not feel emotionally safe enough in their relationship to speak their truth and ask for their needs. They may spend a lot of time worrying that their partner won't stick it out in the relationship and find themselves carrying all the burden of making the relationship "work."

If you believe that you must always hold this person in a positive light — and doing so requires you to minimize your feelings and avoid addressing a partner's problematic behaviors — then you have to look at your motivations for doing so, added McNeil.

5. You believe being in a relationship will improve your life.

Hopeless romantics idealize life with a significant other versus thinking about the reality of being in a partnership, suggested McNeil. To avoid this pitfall, determine whether you're looking for a partner to "check a box" or if you "fit into each other's needs and value systems," McNeil noted.

How Being a Hopeless Romantic Can Hurt You in Relationships

Although it's beneficial to hold a sense of openness and excitement to love, hopeless romantics might avoid assessing whether or not a person is the right fit for them.

"If you find yourself having serious doubts about a relationship, but you keep progressing the relationship forward because you think it will get better 'eventually,' this is a clue to look out for," explained Cook.

Cook added that hopeless romantics are often coping with anxious attachment, which goes hand-in-hand with a fear of abandonment. 

"With anxious attachment, we feel desperate to find a connection — sometimes, any connection — and will do just about anything to hold onto it, even if it is not serving us."

On the other hand — if you have a secure attachment — you are a hopeful romantic. 

"A hopeful romantic is someone who is secure in themselves and wants a relationship that adds to their life versus saves them from being alone," said Stephanie Macadaan.

Cook told us that hopeful romantics can see when a relationship is and isn't working. As such, they're not afraid to leave when things aren't ideal. "They know it will bring them closer to the person who is a better fit," Cook added.

How to Go from Being Hopeless to Hopeful

Moving from one mindset to the other isn't as easy as flipping a switch. As Cook noted, anxious attachment — and, by extension, being a hopeless romantic — is a "deeply wired neural pattern."

That's not to say things are entirely out of our control, though.

For instance, as Cook explained, you can choose to communicate clearly instead of shutting down. This will teach you that you can and should behave differently. Because our patterns may be unconscious, it could also be beneficial to work with a mental health care provider.

The Bottom Line

There's no harm in continuing to consume rom-coms and dating shows. But setting the stage for your own lasting, fulfilling partnership requires cultivating self-love and committing to self-work.

As McNeil pointed out, the hard part about finding love and personal satisfaction is to know that we each know our own worth and value.

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